The W-Curve

I've found myself a bit lost lately.  Lost in the sense that I don't know what I should do with myself. 

It's now been a little over five months since I arrived in Japan.  The first four were filled with trips to Hokkaido, the exchange students were a daily challenge, and graduate school was always on my mind.  Then December 23rd hit, I said goodbye to the exchange students and my old apartment, and Tom and I were on a plane back to Minnesota for a 10-day holiday to celebrate Christmas with our friends and family.  Despite the seemingly short time at home, I came back to Japan refreshed and ready to start a new year that was to be filled with free time and hobbies that have been placed on the back burner for months and years. I stocked up on painting supplies, I bought a Japanese language book, I was armed with new books on my Kindle, I was in a new apartment, I was ready to enjoy myself! 

Flash forward to today, January 26.  It hasn't been a month since our return from the States and I'm already frustrated with my empty calendar.  What was once used hourly, my planner has just become another forlorn object in my bag.  There aren't daily 'to do' lists, my graduate school applications are filled out and sent in, the University I work at has cleared out for spring vacation and assignments are getting thin. 

I'm not bored.  I still have my paints, my books, my T.V. shows. After frustrating nights of idleness and contemplating reasons why I don't have any interest in painting or reading for hours on end like I had dreamed of only a month ago, I learned something about myself.  I need to read as a reward, to paint as an escape.  I need companionship, old friends that I've known for years to spend time with.  My first five months in Japan were distracted.  It felt like I was studying abroad for a few months, not living here for a year.  If I would have known better, I would have prepared myself and contacted a group of expatriates that gather on a weekly or monthly basis. 

This comes with the territory.  I'm living in the most expensive city in the world and probably the most over-stimulating city in the world.  I've never lived abroad for more than 4 1/2 months before, and I'm just hitting 5 in Japan.  And what's funny about this is that I learned about this transition period in college as a Resident Assistant training to help us deal with the incoming, soon-to-be temperamental  freshmen - it's called the W Curve.  First you have your first high, the honeymoon stage!  Life is wonderful!  You're living abroad! And then you crash, culture shock!  Then you assimilate, a little bit, get the hang of things; you're at the initial adjustment stage.  Just as I started to feel like Tokyo was familiar (yes, this is about me now), I hit mental isolation.  It's the worst stage of all, or so I think.  This is a time of feeling caught between two worlds.  My new environment is still not as comfortable as home used to be, and home is now not as familiar as it once was. I don't feel like I completely belonging in either place.

I need to bring myself back to RA training and be honest with myself.  This will be a tough time in my life. My future is as certain as... well, something that's not certain at all (I tried to find a Japanese example, but 90% of life in Japan is certain).  I should have prepared myself for this moment, but instead I'm trying to catch up and learn how to be an involved and healthy expat in Tokyo.  With just a little bit of searching, I have found two gathering locations in the city for people just like me needing some companionship.  Next Tuesday an English comedian will be at the Pink Cow, a popular expat hangout, so I've invited my co-worker to go along.  I'm making more efforts to schedule hangouts with Japanese friends who aren't going away for Spring Vacation. 

I'm at a low point, but what's getting me through is the simple knowledge that it won't last forever.  I'm in a developed country, living comfortably, but just more isolated than I hoped.  I can change that.  Soon enough I'll come out of the W-curve on top, at the final stage, acceptance and integration.